i thought i saw the moon

I want to run around outside and scream very loudly and make the world fall in love with me.

I keep getting these trippy moments at school. Like, walking down the stairs, or through the hallways, I think I catch a glance of someone I know. Jeanine bumping me on the stairs, Cameron walking in front of me down 300 hall, Becca sitting across the lunch room. It's weird. And it isn't only people I knew well, like Cam and Jeanine; I mean, I harldy knew Becca, and I see her and everyone else everywhere. It's really weird.

I also keep doing this thing where I day dream to myself, and every once in a while I catch myself mouthing what I'm thinking about. Not always a safe plan, considering the kinds of things every girl day dreams about. Also not always good, considering how strange it looks to be walking down the hall talking to yourself.

I feel like every expression I make is out of place, and everything I do is awkward. Maybe there's something wrong with me?

No, it's more likely just that I'm in high school.

I'm jumping on board. Here are my twenty things to twenty people.

( huzzah! )

andrew: so, did you have fun at homecoming?
me: yeaaah....
andrew: yeah?
me: yeah.
andrew: that's good. so, do you like matthew?
me: ...as a friend...
andrew: *laughs* sorry...

...Yeah, i have no clue what that was about. but andrew's cool.

why am i so full of shit?

goddamn.

so i saw a gto beat up a beamer on allen road tonight while i was out driving. the gto won. ...well, if you consider 'winning' as being the person who doesn't wind up sideays on the median... it was mildly thrilling.

school tomorrow morning. uggrh.

i woke up with a headache today. which i always seem to do after a bad dream. which always seem to be about school. which starts on wednesday.

so, it was the first day of school. and i was wearing a white top and overalls. uck, i hate overalls. anyway, the main point was that i couldn't find my locker. and it was really upsetting. and i hate talking about my stupid school dreams because they're always so lame. but they upset me greatly. it's kind of sad. ...this one did have a really cute guy in it though...

i had a marching band work shop thing. And Walter was wrong! They don't high step here! Bwahahahhaa. Ahaahaa.

after that (which was boring; marching from yard line to yard line surrounded by the incoming freshman band peoples. So, there were like 30 people, mostly trumpets.) I went out to lunch with Emily and her mom, as well as two other band moms, and Mr. J, the band director, in addition to Dana and ...shit. Um...Peter? I can't remember. It was fun. After that, Emily took me around the school. I understand the lay out better now. I miss West though. The hallways at least varied in looks a little, if not only by new-ness of the additions or by locker colors. At Richwoods, every hall is green and white tile with green lockers. The only hallways that were different were the ones with the major stuff (the gym, auditorium, natorium,as they call their pool area on the map,and etc.) and one with murals painted on it, above the art hall. The band room is very small, and on the second floor. That seemed very weird to me. West also looks much better. Even the oldest, dirtiest places at West were better or at least equal to all of Richwoods. They do have some nice stained glass windows in this little lunch room, though. With like knights and shit on them.

They don't seem to control the section numbers well at all. Yesterday, out of about thirty people there were probably...
2 Baritones
4 Altos
3 Clarinets
4 Trombones
3 Percussionists
4 Flutes
1 French horn
And then like 10 Trumpets.
It seems crazy to me to have such an odd balance. I told Mr. J I play the other saxes, and he seemed like he could use either a bari or tenor, but didn't know if he could physically get me one. ...He also said they need a bassoon player. SO maybe I'll just switch to bassoon. Hm.

I also have my room all put together! Excluding my new bed, and some stuffed animals that I have no idea what to do with. That excites me. I'm also going out with Emily again tomorrow. I think... I should call her.

We are going half way to Carbondale tomorrow night. Because Walter has to check in really early on Monday. I will hopefully get to drive some of the way. ...At least, that is my hope. I am really not looking forward to living with just mom and dad. Well, and the dog...But seriously. That's going to be the hardest part about the next three years of my life. I did make a friend though...Emily. She is the daughter of one of the other lawyers at Dad's place of slavery. I mean...Work. Yesssss... She's going to be a junior, and she's pretty nice. We went to lunch on...WEdnesday? at Panera, and then we went out to Grande Prairie, and messed around. Mostly we walked through Bergner's and made fun of the ugly, expensive clothes. It was a fun time. Omigosh tho! At Panera, we both had Jones' Soda. And in the cap, they have little ofrtunes. And mine said "Make use of contacts recently established." And this was the Wednesday after the Monday that I had met her. Man, that's the kind of thing that happens in like books, or movies man. Man! It was crazy.

Walter and I hung out last night. We got bottles of cream soda, and wonka bars and peanut butter M & M's. And we watched Man of the House and 40 Days and 40 Nights. That movie's weiiird. They had floral sex! Crazy crazy crazy. So we had a laugh and went to bed at like one.

Other than that...I've been working on finishing my room. I got crapet on Tuesday, so I've been unpacking my stuff. It's coming along alright, I guess...

OH! Heidi's play opens tonight and runs Friday/Saturday nights for six weeks. I am trying to find a time to come up for it. Will keep you posted on when I'll be up there.

So.

-i hate it here.

-i miss badminton. BADLY.

-i also miss my friends. VERY BADLY.

-i got a soprano saxophone like, a week ago. it is beautiful. it is nice. it is 'sloan.'

-i got my permit. commence shock. me, commence w00ting. beth, you could take me driving! if i still lived in aurora and not in the armpit of illinois...

Okay, we are moved now. So, instead of living in a mostly empty house with my favorite posessions, I now live in a box maze- or
"palace" as my dad calls my generously sized room. It's fairly depressing. I pretty much just sit on my ass all day. On the computer, in front of the TV, playing nintendo...occasionally reading. mostly hoping people are online and avoiding staring at piles of boxes.

...I looked at Tyler's MySpace the other day. At his pictures. And there is one of Cam, Em, Seth, Tyler, Heidi and Alex from Thursday night CATS. And I'm looking at it, and the second thing I realize {the first being "Why the hell is Seth grabbing Em's arm like that? The ho totally wants her back!!!"} is "hey that's my group. Only, I'm not there." and that's when it hits me. this picture? This picture of my bestest friends in our crappy auditorium? our beautiful auditorium...all hazy from the smoke. and the lights. and probably hot, and smelly...this is what I'll miss next year. That picture...that's next year. (assuming all my friends don't "break-up") it's weird- to see the future in such a way. realizing fi9nally in a final way that life in aurora will go on without me.


....is this what dying feels li9ke?

OMG. So Em is actually thinking of getting back with him. She was like "if we 'both' agree" so I aksed if Laura, the girl he cheated with, was involved in this both. she got pissed, and that is where this picks up...

Dogsmile 106: I am saying: You loved Seth. I get it. But you broke up with him for a reason
Dogsmile 106: Because he cheated
Redghst1203: And MK was asking when you said "Both" did you include Laura in this Both business
ETim012: okay, guys, i really don't know what the future holds
ETim012: and i want nothing to do with that little..Laura.
Redghst1203: Because she's obviously in it, too
Dogsmile 106: I mean, honestly Em: do you really want to date a guy again who got more action from other girls when he was with you compared to when you have been broken up?
ETim012: i don't know what the future holds, i don't know what i'll think in two more months
ETim012: so i can't answer anything
ETim012: i don't know what i want to do, okay?
Dogsmile 106: That's the thing; You and Seth were in a relationship, and Laura got unfortunately tangled in the mix. You don't get to choose to have her not involved in your past anymore
Dogsmile 106: I guess I just am sticking to a point I came to while talking with Jeanine; I can understand dating in high school, but not the Same person all four years. I mean, even if you do get married, he was your only boyfriend ever. I just
Dogsmile 106: feel that'sweird
ETim012: i do too
ETim012: which is why i say- i really have no effing idea who i will date.
HanyouInuyasha04: And if you say you want to date Em, dating implies more than one person, I think
Dogsmile 106: ..so why did you bring seth into that picture?
ETim012: beacuse i still care, okay??
ETim012: i still care
HanyouInuyasha04: shoot, I have to go
ETim012: and i don't want to dismiss the idea totally
HanyouInuyasha04: sorry guys, byee
Dogsmile 106: may I ask why not?
Dogsmile 106: bye alleh
ETim012: (byee alleh)
Dogsmile 106: seeya tomorrow
Redghst1203: Bye
OnlineHost: HanyouInuyasha04 has left the room.
ETim012: BECAUSE I STILL CARE. That's why.
ETim012: I was happy dating him
ETim012: and i'm happy being friends with him now
ETim012: i don't want to completely throw the idea away
Redghst1203: You were happy lying to yourself
ETim012: but!
ETim012: I don't want to dismiss the idea of dating someone new
ETim012: i really don't know how i'll feel in 2 months
Dogsmile 106: don't you think that more people than Seth could make you happy?
ETim012: so i can't say what i'll do!
ETim012: i never said that
ETim012: i think that if i dated marty for a while, i'd be happy.
ETim012: he's the only other person i've really thought 'what if i dated him'
Dogsmile 106: Em. How many reasons were on the list of "why I should break up with seth"?
ETim012: that i remember? 1- that i was hurt that he did that.
Dogsmile 106: ...there were more though.
Dogsmile 106: and you know that
ETim012: yes, but i dont remember them.
ETim012: not even kidding.
Dogsmile 106: I am not saying you are
ETim012: i'm too tired to remember..
ETim012: the only other i remember- a *side reason* that maybe it had been too long
ETim012: and don't you even start using that in this
ETim012: i'm not lengthening the discussion anymore than what we've got now ><
Dogsmile 106: I wrote something, but it isn't popping up
Dogsmile 106: Hm...
Dogsmile 106: Just one more thing. Don't let him be your "it" guy.
ETim012: i know. that's why i'm waiting.


UGHHHH.

OMG. So em said shewas considering taking him back. she said if they "both" agreed, they might try to work things out. SO I was like "are oyu including Laura in this both?" and she got pissed, and this is where we pick up...


Dogsmile 106: I am saying: You loved Seth. I get it. But you broke up with him for a reason
Dogsmile 106: Because he cheated
Redghst1203: And MK was asking when you said "Both" did you include Laura in this Both business
ETim012: okay, guys, i really don't know what the future holds
ETim012: and i want nothing to do with that little..Laura.
Redghst1203: Because she's obviously in it, too
Dogsmile 106: I mean, honestly Em: do you really want to date a guy again who got more action from other girls when he was with you compared to when you have been broken up?
ETim012: i don't know what the future holds, i don't know what i'll think in two more months
ETim012: so i can't answer anything
ETim012: i don't know what i want to do, okay?
Dogsmile 106: That's the thing; You and Seth were in a relationship, and Laura got unfortunately tangled in the mix. You don't get to choose to have her not involved in your past anymore
Dogsmile 106: I guess I just am sticking to a point I came to while talking with Jeanine; I can understand dating in high school, but not the Same person all four years. I mean, even if you do get married, he was your only boyfriend ever. I just
Dogsmile 106: feel that'sweird
ETim012: i do too
ETim012: which is why i say- i really have no effing idea who i will date.
HanyouInuyasha04: And if you say you want to date Em, dating implies more than one person, I think
Dogsmile 106: ..so why did you bring seth into that picture?
ETim012: beacuse i still care, okay??
ETim012: i still care
HanyouInuyasha04: shoot, I have to go
ETim012: and i don't want to dismiss the idea totally
HanyouInuyasha04: sorry guys, byee
Dogsmile 106: may I ask why not?
Dogsmile 106: bye alleh
ETim012: (byee alleh)
Dogsmile 106: seeya tomorrow
Redghst1203: Bye
OnlineHost: HanyouInuyasha04 has left the room.
ETim012: BECAUSE I STILL CARE. That's why.
ETim012: I was happy dating him
ETim012: and i'm happy being friends with him now
ETim012: i don't want to completely throw the idea away
Redghst1203: You were happy lying to yourself
ETim012: but!
ETim012: I don't want to dismiss the idea of dating someone new
ETim012: i really don't know how i'll feel in 2 months
Dogsmile 106: don't you think that more people than Seth could make you happy?
ETim012: so i can't say what i'll do!
ETim012: i never said that
ETim012: i think that if i dated marty for a while, i'd be happy.
ETim012: he's the only other person i've really thought 'what if i dated him'
Dogsmile 106: Em. How many reasons were on the list of "why I should break up with seth"?
ETim012: that i remember? 1- that i was hurt that he did that.
Dogsmile 106: ...there were more though.
Dogsmile 106: and you know that
ETim012: yes, but i dont remember them.
ETim012: not even kidding.
Dogsmile 106: I am not saying you are
ETim012: i'm too tired to remember..
ETim012: the only other i remember- a *side reason* that maybe it had been too long
ETim012: and don't you even start using that in this
ETim012: i'm not lengthening the discussion anymore than what we've got now ><
Dogsmile 106: I wrote something, but it isn't popping up
Dogsmile 106: Hm...
Dogsmile 106: Just one more thing. Don't let him be your "it" guy.
ETim012: i know. that's why i'm waiting.

OMG. SO this is a chat. I am Dogsmile, Heidi is Reghst, Alexis Inuyasha and Em is Etim. WE had been talking about her "not being ready" to date yet, and she said something about maybeing getting back with Seth. WE'd been picking it over for a while by now, but the chat cut it off. Em said that she would consider getting back with Seth if they "both" agreed. So I was like "Are you including Laura[girl he cheated with] in that 'both'?" and she got pissed. And that is where we pick up...


Dogsmile 106: I am saying: You loved Seth. I get it. But you broke up with him for a reason
Dogsmile 106: Because he cheated
Redghst1203: And MK was asking when you said "Both" did you include Laura in this Both business
ETim012: okay, guys, i really don't know what the future holds
ETim012: and i want nothing to do with that little..Laura.
Redghst1203: Because she's obviously in it, too
Dogsmile 106: I mean, honestly Em: do you really want to date a guy again who got more action from other girls when he was with you compared to when you have been broken up?
ETim012: i don't know what the future holds, i don't know what i'll think in two more months
ETim012: so i can't answer anything
ETim012: i don't know what i want to do, okay?
Dogsmile 106: That's the thing; You and Seth were in a relationship, and Laura got unfortunately tangled in the mix. You don't get to choose to have her not involved in your past anymore
Dogsmile 106: I guess I just am sticking to a point I came to while talking with Jeanine; I can understand dating in high school, but not the Same person all four years. I mean, even if you do get married, he was your only boyfriend ever. I just
Dogsmile 106: feel that'sweird
ETim012: i do too
ETim012: which is why i say- i really have no effing idea who i will date.
HanyouInuyasha04: And if you say you want to date Em, dating implies more than one person, I think
Dogsmile 106: ..so why did you bring seth into that picture?
ETim012: beacuse i still care, okay??
ETim012: i still care
HanyouInuyasha04: shoot, I have to go
ETim012: and i don't want to dismiss the idea totally
HanyouInuyasha04: sorry guys, byee
Dogsmile 106: may I ask why not?
Dogsmile 106: bye alleh
ETim012: (byee alleh)
Dogsmile 106: seeya tomorrow
Redghst1203: Bye
OnlineHost: HanyouInuyasha04 has left the room.
ETim012: BECAUSE I STILL CARE. That's why.
ETim012: I was happy dating him
ETim012: and i'm happy being friends with him now
ETim012: i don't want to completely throw the idea away
Redghst1203: You were happy lying to yourself
ETim012: but!
ETim012: I don't want to dismiss the idea of dating someone new
ETim012: i really don't know how i'll feel in 2 months
Dogsmile 106: don't you think that more people than Seth could make you happy?
ETim012: so i can't say what i'll do!
ETim012: i never said that
ETim012: i think that if i dated marty for a while, i'd be happy.
ETim012: he's the only other person i've really thought 'what if i dated him'
Dogsmile 106: Em. How many reasons were on the list of "why I should break up with seth"?
ETim012: that i remember? 1- that i was hurt that he did that.
Dogsmile 106: ...there were more though.
Dogsmile 106: and you know that
ETim012: yes, but i dont remember them.
ETim012: not even kidding.
Dogsmile 106: I am not saying you are
ETim012: i'm too tired to remember..
ETim012: the only other i remember- a *side reason* that maybe it had been too long
ETim012: and don't you even start using that in this
ETim012: i'm not lengthening the discussion anymore than what we've got now ><
Dogsmile 106: I wrote something, but it isn't popping up
Dogsmile 106: Hm...
Dogsmile 106: Just one more thing. Don't let him be your "it" guy.
ETim012: i know. that's why i'm waiting.

Yeah. So, um. We have like 10 days of school left, which is freaking schaweet in some respects and not so awesome in others. For instance:

PROS:
-no more school.
-no more Mme Countryman {yay!}
-no more Seth! {DOUBLE YAY!}
-more sleepy time
-no more awkwardness between me and Alex {will discuss later}

CONS:
-no more Heidi making fun of me in Geometry
-no more making fun of Seth with Heidi in geometry
-no more Martymartymartymartymarty! Our beloved stupid sophmore
-no more health
-no more \A/ band


There are surely more, but that's all I care to list presently.

So, Alex. She is really pissing me off. She's the same as she used to be; which sucks, because the rest of us are actually changing. I'm now realizing that she is a real hypocrite. and also judgemental. And today, I was complaining about Seth; and she was like "Well there are going to be stupid people everywhere you go so you might as well stop complaining and learn to deal with it." And I was like "Alex, you complain about stupid people all the time, so don't give me that crap." and she replies with "Well, you can complain, but...well...You can. It's not that...nevermind."
Then I was talking about last day of school plans. And I mentioned not wanting to invite Seth. Which I see as logical, because we're hanging out at my house, and I really don't want to get blood on the carpet. She's like "Well, Seth is part of the group, so you just need to learn to deal with that." Which is bogus for multiple reasons.
A) He was only in the group because of Em. He cheated on her and she dumped him. That gets him out of the group, in my book.
B) It's my party, and I'll invite who I want to. {fell free to start singing.}
C) THERE IS NO GROUP. SHE KILLED IT WHEN SHE MACKED MURPHY.

There it is. And she stills wants me to invite him? Hells no. I should have just said "There is no group!!!" rather then "I see him as a tag along." Oy vey. Now I just want to hang out as me, Tyler, Heidi and Cam. And maybe Em. If she'd be cool with dropping Seth for a day. I don't know. But she is frustrating right now. We don't even talk at lunch! and we are like just the two of us, sitting together. It's frigging ridiculous. So now I am thinking about sitting with Alexis, Greg and Jason. At least they'll say two words to me.

Okay. I have had like nooooo sleep last night but man. So worth it.

Yesterday. At 3:30, Walter and I picked up Alex and we drove to AMF for a bowling partay. Yay! Our car ride consisted of Walter listening to The Who and Alex and I talking, with me periodically going "Walter, are we lost? You do know where we're going, right? Walter, I really don't think you know where we're going!" which entertained me. When we go there, Alex and I waited in the car until Em showed up and freaked me out by pounding on my window. Then Mrs. Timmons called me a Space Cadet ^__^ We then went inside and called Heidi to figure out her coordinates. Well, actually we called Heidi from the car and found out she was waiting for a ride from Tyler. Alex and I then performed and animated dialogue of possible topics they would cover in the car, ha ha. We laughed about them jumping from hate to carpooling, and how that was a big step. Then Em, Alex and I called her from inside the alley, at which point she was in the car with Tyler. That led to delightful conversation. Then Cameron and Dan Botkin showed up. This was really Dan's first run with the Group, and I think he fits. Kruger then showed up later because. . .well, I didn't really listen to his explanation. Seth not being there relaxed everything, and we pretty much were all just sitting on top of each other and ass slapping the whole 20 frames, which got us strange looks from "The Christian Motorcycle association: riding for the son" bowling three lanes to our left. All in all, it was an amazing time. After that, I left with Em to her house for a sleepover. It was so great. Just Alex, Em, Heidi and I hanging out, like old times? Great. Amazingly great. Alex left at ten fifteen, and that was alright. Heidi Em and I had fun just conversing and playing video games the rest of the night; untill 5:30 when we went to bed. A good part of the night was spent drawing out battle plans for her break up from Seth on Tuesday. It was fun. After a drew out mock maps and what not, we planeed out her "Hott Outfits" fro the week, so he could really see what he was missing. We laughed really hard about that, and we were like "Damn, now I wanna go shopping." The final booklet page (and yes, we bound the 7+ pages of battle plans, maps, outfits plans, and break up supporting reasons into a booklet.) was a triangle with GOAL written in the middle, and a crude drawing of a cat on a line reading "Hang in there babeh!" It was great. I had missed pre-Seth Em more than I knew.


Ahh, finally.

Okay, this entry may be boring to some, but it will basically be expressing my excitement over badminton.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT IS SO FUN! On Saturday, they gave Korina, Alexis and I our own court! The only other people tp have their own courts {so, less than four people} when everyone is in the gym are the varsity team! There were nine freshman there, and so they shoved the other six onto one court. EXCITING. They also already taught us about doubles. It is so fun, because instead of having us learn things like that by having four of us play and just kind be like "I think I'm supposed to be ...here?" they have us play games with coach and varsity. I smashed on a varsity girl, and she missed it! YAY! And we're finally getting the birdies to pop. WOO! And Coach Wade was like "You're hitting better than the JV girls!" which was also apreciated. I am having so much fun, I can't wait untill the season starts for games. I hope they will let Alexis and I play doubles, but if I have to play singles, I think I'll be okay. Wooo doggie, I love badminton.

Also, on Friday afternoon I had a four way call with Em Alex and Heidi {which was as close to hanging out as all of us could come.} and we just laughed and luaghed and laughed. I found out the Seth is okay, he just badly bruised his tailbone, but in order to sit down for the next two weeks, he has to use as BUTT DISK! You know, those little inflatables they give pregnant woman? "And people with hemoroids!"-Em. It's like Christmas and my birthday all at once. And for jokes! It's like acne, braces and a unibrow! Oh man. We won't be harsh, but there wil be some joshing of his taters. haha. We decided we're going to bring in permanent markers and see if he'll let us sign it like a cast, haha. Oh, this is going to be grand. Em was laughing with us, which is good, because normally she would be like "Guys, stop it!" wooooooooooooo I love life right now, it's pretty fantabulous.

TODAY SUCKED.

A LOT.

Firstly. I am going to the winter dance {this saturday} with my friend Alex, and some other people, but we were planning on getting shirts together. I mentioned this to Seth and Em {resident lip-locked idiots} and they were like "Ohhh, yeah, let's go to the mall together!" After talking for several days, we agreed that Tuesday{which we have off} would be a good day to go; Seth and Em are both swimmers, and had meets last weekend and this weekend. Then we slowly started ti realize that Tuesday, we had no means of transportation. I also found out that the girl Cameron was going to bring as friends, would not be coming. So, I put out an e-mail over the weekend to Seth, Em, Alex, Cameron and Heidi, who I figured could come and get a shirt even though she isn't going, though I wish she were! Well, okay, a group of five is okay with me for matching shirts. ...this morning I started to talk to Em and Seth about it, and they're like "Oh, actually we're going to dress alike." First off : WTF?!!! They have screwed us over here. Alex and I could have gone out this weekend, and only didn't because of them! So..GAH! That alon pisses me off. Except now, if they do dress alike, and not like the rest of us, it will be me and Cam and Alex dressing alike. Which, maybe it's just me, but I think that would be a little odd. So that is frustrating too! Now I'm ready to smash in their heads...*breathes* Goos-fraba. I still don't know what's happening with that.

This was between second and third hour. And third hour just broke my heart. I found out Christy is going to the dance with Nathan. They're just going as friends, but it still sucks. Although I should have just asked him...dammit.

The rest of the day went mildly better. but not by much. Although this morning, it was kind of funny. We were discussing audtitions for Cats {I decided I won't try out...} and Heidi was complaing that the song the girls have to sing, which is "Mungo Jerry and Rumpleteaser" goes up really high, to a B. And I was like "Where is that?" as in how high, what does it sound like, etc. And Alex goes "Treble clef." Which irked me at first, because that wasn't what I was asking, os a heat of the moment, it pissed me off, like "W..T..h?" but after made me laugh. I mean, Treble Clef wasn't even close to answering the question...and besides, the note would sound the same if it were on bass clef anyhow...